


Nic Cage Made Me Gay

by Java_bean



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Chinese Food, Coming Out, M/M, Secret Santa, Sharing a Bed, Trans Dave, Trolls on Earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 16:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16978113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Java_bean/pseuds/Java_bean
Summary: John has to deal with his crushes on both his best friend, Dave, and his new roommate, Karkat during a late night movie session.(A johndavekat fic written for the KTS secret sufferer)





	Nic Cage Made Me Gay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alkalinePessimist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkalinePessimist/gifts).



> I WROTE THIS FIC AS A GIFT FOR MY WONDERFUL TWIN RILEY WHOM I LOVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART!!! SURPRISE BRO! (but wow seriously what a stroke of luck getting randomly assigned your prompt that's awesome) :D
> 
> HAPPY HOLIDAYS I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS FIC <3 <3 <3
> 
> A special thank you to my friend Kishi (@nomisupernova both on here and Tumblr please go check him out he's wonderful) for helping me with writing trans Dave and also for being an amazing person in general! Literally would not have been able to do this without him <3

Growing up is hard, it’s hard and nobody understands. 

You wouldn’t classify yourself as a late bloomer, per se, puberty hit you hard around the same time it hit everybody else in your class. But just because you developed rampant acne and grew hair in some places doesn’t mean you really matured much as a person. In most ways, you didn’t. When you graduated high school, you were still the same dumb kid you were when you were thirteen, just taller and again, with more hair. Now you’re an overgrown dumb child holding a degree, with a whole future bright and blank ahead of you.

This chapter of your life is over, so what now? 

With your friends busy preparing for their own futures, you have three whole months of introspection on your hands. 

Time to read this chapter again, you guess.

The summer before you went to college was the first time in your life you were totally free with nothing in the world to distract you. And because of this, you were filled with thoughts. 

Most of them being about how much you oversold ConAir as a kid. After watching it at least twenty times it got pretty old. 

Some of the thoughts were more...personal.

It's weird to think that you don't know yourself as well as you thought you did. You thought you would like Doctor Who, but you didn't. You thought in high school you would gain an interest in dating girls, but you didn't. Surprisingly, you were spot on about your opinion on larping being fun, but not something you wanted to do with Vriska and Terezi. 

Back to the girls for a moment.

During school you had convinced yourself that you weren’t dating anyone because you were just too busy for that. Did you have crushes? Of course! Or you thought you had crushes. You were too engrossed in school work and games and keeping up with your friends to really think about whether the feelings you had were crushes or not at the time. 

Turns out, most of them weren’t. When you thought about your feelings towards girls, specifically ones you’d gotten along with well in the past, you realized your feelings weren’t romantic or sexual in nature towards them at all. 

Vriska? Weird relationship with her in middle school, you dated for three days and held hands once. Didn’t go anywhere until she dumped you for Terezi, which you were more than okay with. 

Terezi? Kind of antagonistic towards you, in that weird divide between friend and enemy. You’d been told you had good chemistry. Did you like her like that, though? No, she’s been dating Vriska since sixth grade. On and off, sure, but still, they’re dating.

Rose? Literally never crossed your mind.

Maybe you didn’t like girls as much as you thought you did, after all. 

That simple thought opens your mind’s eye to the millions of things that you did during your life that you’d had no explanation for before. 

Like when you were thirteen and Karkat called you behind the gym to tell you he hated you- which you now understand was some kind of weird troll thing where they say hate but they mean they’re attracted to you- and that he wanted to go out with you. Without even thinking about it you said you weren’t interested in him like that. Then, when pressed about what you meant by “like that” you’d blurted something about not being gay and then told Karkat you’d see him tomorrow.

Of course you didn’t talk to him again after that for awhile. At the time you were upset about the fact that he hated you, but as the emotional clarity of the event faded with age, you began to prescribe that bad feeling you had every time you thought about it towards the fact that he thought you were gay. Better that than think your close friend hated you. 

Especially a friend you may have had a crush on. 

Then, of course, there’s Dave. Your best friend. The person you’re closest to. You know just about everything about him and and he knows everything about you. You love him and would willingly die for him.

Of course you’d thought about him before, at night when your mind wanders and you’re not in complete control of yourself. Yeah, you’d thought about maybe kissing him. But what you think late at night when you’re drifting off to sleep doesn’t mean anything, right? 

Right?

Except you now realize you have never once thought about kissing Rose or Roxy or Vriska or Terezi before, not even in the middle of the night. Just Dave and occasionally Karkat the few times he’d cross your mind. 

But now that you know and understand your feelings better, you can squash them and try to move on. Karkat should be easy, since you haven’t seen him in awhile and any strong feelings about him you’re currently experiencing are because you’ve been thinking about him again lately. Dave might be a little harder, but you’re sure they’ll fade with some time because your friendship is stronger than any little crush. 

The fact that you’re going to be busy with school again should definitely help distract you again. 

Or so you thought.

In August you drive to your new school and carry a box full of your stuff up to your new dorm where you’ll be spending the whole year. It takes you awhile to reach it because you’re on the fourth floor and apparently the elevator’s broken. On the bright side, that means you got your cardio in for the week and it gives you some time to wonder if your classes will be fun and what your roommate will be like. 

Your arms are tired by the time you reach your destination. You notice that the door is open, not just a crack, but held widely so by a box to keep it that way. You grin to yourself. That means your roommate is here already.

You shift your box onto one hip and knock on the door before you walk in. Their back is turned to you as they pin a poster high on to the wall, next to the bunkbed. From this angle all you can really make of them is their grey skin and solid build. 

“Hey, nice to meet you, I’m John!” You stick your hand out for them to shake. “I’m your new roommate.”

“Holy shit.” .

You know this voice. 

“John?” He raises one thick eyebrow at you and looks you up and down. “From fucking middle school?”

“Wow, Karkat? Never thought I’d see you again!”

Your heart is doing somersaults in your chest.

Fuck. 

 

Karkat is the same kid he was back in middle school, loud, emotional, and prone to fits of intense swearing. Part of you is relieved by that, because you can pick up right where your friendship left off and you don’t have to go through the awkward phase of getting to know someone again and trying to get used to their presence. Another part of you is less thrilled, because this is the exact same Karkat you had a crush on in middle school, just bigger.

A _lot_ bigger.

Like he stands a whole head taller than you, which is impressive because you’re not exactly on the short side. And _fuck_ his arms. He looks like he could snap your spine like a twig if he hugged you too hard. 

(And with every day that passes you think about that more and more, how could you not when the two of you share such close quarters).

Luckily for you, Karkat is far too busy to spend a lot of time in the dorm hanging out with you. If he’s not in class, he’s busy at work. If he’s not at work, he’s arranging a study group and doing his homework in the library because “being near your dumb ass would be too much of a distraction”. So you usually only see Karkat at night when you go to bed and in the morning when you wake up. 

Does this lack of interaction with him help kill your years old crush? No.

Does it at least soften your current feelings towards Dave a little? Also no.

Who knows, maybe it would if you weren’t also seeing Dave on a daily basis. You’d both decided to come to this school and you had a lot of the same classes. Your schedules were almost identical, save for an art class Dave elected to take. 

On top of that, Dave spends a lot of time in your dorm. He hangs out under the guise of studying, but you think he mostly just doesn’t want to be by himself. Which is fine, because you’d rather not be by yourself, either. 

If anything, all of this contact with Dave is only making your crush on him even worse. You love spending time with him, really, you do, but every time you look at him your stomach flutters with a swarm of butterflies and you break out in nervous sweats. Any time he smiles at you or cracks a joke or god forbid _brushes a hand against you_ there’s a little high pitched laugh that bubbles out of your throat and embarrasses the hell out of you. 

Part of you knows that this would all be so easy to get over if you just told Dave how you felt. If you came out to him and just said it. After all, if anyone would get that it would be him. Your sophomore year of high school, Dave came out to you and offhandedly mentioned that he used to have a crush on you the year before. He would understand if you’d ended up having the same predicament once you discovered more about yourself. 

But you’ve never come out to anyone before, and at this point it almost feels like your time for doing that has passed. So instead of telling Dave about your personal revelation or your current feelings for him, you’ll just keep them to yourself. For now you’ll just enjoy all the time you have with Dave. 

And whatever happens, happens.

 

It’s a few months into the semester when something does happen. Karkat’s out for possibly the whole night, and you and Dave decide that this is a great opportunity to hang out and just chill together. So you invited Dave to a movie marathon in your dorm, just the two of you and a shit ton of chinese take out from a local shop that delivers to you. 

The room’s a little cold, so you’re both snuggled together on the bottom bunk. Your laptop is sitting on a chair and pulled up as close as you can get it to the bed. You picked out the first movie, during which you demolished the carton of orange chicken and an egg roll before you give up and tell Dave he can have the rest of the food. You have no idea why you even agreed to buying so much, Dave just kept rattling off names of food he liked and you bought it. He just does that to you. 

Halfway through the second movie, Dave has his face buried in lo mien when your door creaks open. 

“Why is it so dark in here?” 

The light flicks on, and you’re instantly blinded. Dave covers his eyes with his hands and groans. 

Karkat’s standing by the light switch, dressed in his work uniform and looking tired as hell. He rolls his eyes at Dave. “Don’t be such a dramatic wiggler, assmunch.”

He walks past both of you and over to his closet. “Why the fuck are you here, anyway?”

“I could ask you that, too.” Dave says, pointing a chopstick accusingly at Karkat. There’s a loose noodle laying on it that slips onto the bed. “John said you weren’t coming home tonight, so I came replace you so my boy wouldn’t be lonely in this big room all by himself.”

“Charming, you’re so chivalrous, Dave.” Karkat replies, turning back around just in time to watch Dave lift the noodle off the bed and eat it. He grimaces in disgust. “But are you sure you’re skinny ass can handle my load?”

Dave whistles. “Whoa there, big guy, what kind of load are we talking? Be careful of your phrasing, there are children present.”

He pats your cheek to indicate you’re apparently the children in this scenario. 

“My massive responsibility, obviously.” He says, walking back over to the door with his arms full of new clothes. “You think you can fill my shoes for the night?”

“Sounds like you have some weird kinks, Karkat, but yes I do think I could fit my ass into your shoes. If I’m being honest, I think your foot cup would runneth over with the abundant amount of my sweet butt cradled in your Nikes.”

“For your information, these are Adidas, dickweed, and you don’t have a good grasp about the size of your ass if you think it’ll fill a whole shoe, let alone a pair.” Karkat opens the door. “But if you want to ram a cheek into my shoe, feel free to do so. It’s a free country so it’s not like I can stop you even though I want nothing more than to keep your smelly ass away from my footwear. But if you absolutely have to to live out some sick fantasy of yours, just don’t do it while I’m here.”

As soon as the door closes behind Karkat, Dave hands you his carton of lo mien. You accept it as he groans and drops his head into his hands. “John holy fuck why didn’t you stop me? I was babbling about shoes and asses, how could you let me do this? I sounded like an idiotic tool.”

“I don’t think you were that bad.” You pat his shoulder. “I thought you sounded like yourself.”

He raises his head and frowns at you. “You’re a goddamn monster, you know that?”

“Monster?” You tilt your head. “I thought I was the children in this one.”

“Nope, your humanity has been officially revoked, you’ve been demoted to monster. I hope you have a fun time being hairy as fuck and living out in nature eating pine cones and shit.”

“You know, if I’m a monster that means that pissing in your apple juice is a valid prank for me to pull again.”

“If you put your piss anywhere near my juice I will fucking kill you, John, I swear to christ.” 

You shrug. “That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

Karkat returns, work clothes replaced with sweatpants and a t-shirt. He stretches his arms over his head and you can hear Dave’s breath catch in his throat from here. 

“Karkat, can you turn the light off?” You ask. “We’re trying to watch a movie.”

“Fine.” He flicks the light off and leans against the bedpost curiously, probably trying to get a better look at your laptop. “What are you watching?”

“Wicker Man.” Dave answers before you can. That’s for the best, because your tongue’s stuck in your throat. Karkat’s really close to you right now, so close you can actually smell him. It’s...a little spicy? A subtle hot smell masked by the scent of sweat and pizza from his job. “Did you wanna watch it with us? There’s probably enough room for three here.”

He pats the spot between the both of you and wiggles his eyebrows seductively at him. Karkat snorts but shakes his head. “No, it’s late. I’d rather sleep than watch a shitty movie with you.”

“Karkat!” Dave gasps. “I can’t believe you would suggest something like that, that’s so forward! At least buy a guy a drink first. And by guy I mean John because lord knows he’s gonna need it after watching us get nasty in front of him.”

“Maybe in your fucking dreams, Dave.”

The thought of Dave and Karkat doing _anything_ together in front of you actually sounds...kinda hot…

Course you doubt you could stop yourself from participating in that case. 

“Oh, it’s _always_ in my fucking dreams, Karkat.”

Fuck, you’re starting to get a little hot under the collar just thinking about this, maybe you could use that drink. Not anything alcoholic, just some water to cool you down. 

“I’ll be back in a minute, I need some water.”

You hand Dave his lo mein back and crawl off the bed. 

“Wow, would you look at that, John is giving us some time alone!” Dave lifts a noodle and wiggles it around. “Karkat, why don’t you come over here and perform a Lady and the Tramp with me?”

You’re out the door before you can hear Karkat’s answer, though you’re sure it’s something scathing. The words “bitch” and “doggy style” may have been thrown by Dave in his response to whatever Karkat said. 

You shake your head as you walk towards the kitchenette. You left the room to take a breather and try to stop thinking about them, and yet here you are, continuing to think about them. You need to stop.

You reach the kitchenette and realize you didn’t even bother to bring a cup with you. Okay, you guess you’ll just drink from your hands. That’s cool. Then you can rub the excess water on your face to literally cool off a little because your face still feels a little too hot for comfort. 

You turn on the sink and gulp water straight out of your palm. It’d probably be a lot easier to take your mind off of either Dave or Karkat if you were hanging out with only one of them. Before Karkat came in you were doing fine keeping yourself in check with just Dave. Yeah, you had some butterflies in your stomach and you were definitely stupider than you used to be around him, but that was all expected. You could say the same for when you have only Karkat around, too. But when they’re both there? Your feelings are magnified to an eleven and you have a hard time keeping your head clear. 

It’s like...you have a crush on both of them, but you don’t think any relationship with either of them would feel right unless you actually got to be with them both. You know that’s a little selfish, but you just can’t help yourself. 

You’ll just...have to get over this. All by yourself. Just like you’d planned to in the first place.

This is so much harder than you’d originally thought it would be.

Dave and Karkat’s obvious chemistry and mutual attraction towards each other doesn’t help you at all.

You rub your wet hand across your face and give your cheek a light slap. Stop it, John. These are your friends you’re talking about! Them liking each other is great! You shouldn’t feel like you’re a third wheel or that you’re being left out, this isn’t about you! 

It’s tough right now, sure, but soon Dave and Karkat will start dating and your chance with both of them will pass. Then you can move on. At some point you will find another nice boy. Or boys. Ones who are also wonderful and funny and know you like the back of their hand, who you can talk to as easily as them. 

Boys who are like them, but are not them. 

That’s okay. They have each other, what could they need you for, anyway? Get over yourself. 

You shuffle back to your room and take a deep breath to prepare yourself. You feel kind of stupid for even needing to do that. You already knew they were both in there to begin with. Plus the odds of them actually doing anything together are pretty low. You open the door.

Dave and Karkat are sitting on the bed together, so close their legs are practically touching. They probably would be touching if they both hadn’t swaddled themselves in blankets. 

“I can’t believe you took my spot, Karkat.” You say, shaking your head as you try to figure out where to sit. “I thought you said you weren’t gonna watch movies with us and that you were just going to sleep, anyway?”

He shoots a glare at you. “You took my bed, and there’s no way in hell I’m taking yours because I’m not a rude shitpants. You can either deal with me sleeping here or move your dumb movie party to the top bunk.”

“I never said you couldn’t sleep here.” You manage to find a spot to squeeze yourself into next to him. “Don’t you think you’ll be uncomfortable, though?”

“I’ve slept in worse places before.” Karkat replies. He doesn’t sound like he wants to elaborate on that, so you don’t ask. “Did you get fried rice?” 

“Karkat, we ordered all the chinese food available, of course we got fried rice.” You reply. 

“The one with the tiny pink crustaceans in it?” 

You’re pretty much shoulder to shoulder with Karkat right now. You’d enjoy this a lot more if it wasn’t so uncomfortable. That’s not surprising, since you’re both pretty big dudes sharing a not so big space. Maybe later you’ll ask him to scoot over. Later, though.

“You mean shrimp?” You laugh. You love that he over describes everything still, just like when you met him fresh off the Alternian ship. “Yeah. Why?” 

“I’m starving and I want your rice.”

“Oh, so you’ll take John’s rice but you’re too good to swallow my noodle?” Dave says in mock offense. “Well guess what, asshole, beggars can’t be choosers. You’re only allowed to have the dregs of my lo mien now. Not even any of the good stuff, just some of the tiny noodles completely drenched in soy sauce and maybe an onion.” 

Dave wrestles himself out of his blanket to free the container of lo mien he apparently had hidden beneath it and shoves it towards Karkat. “Bon appetit, bitch.”

Karkat sneers at the mostly empty container. “For the last fucking time, Dave, I don’t-”

He stops mid-sentence. His face is turned towards Dave so you can’t tell exactly where his eyes are trained or what kind of expression he’s making. Based on how red Dave’s ears are getting your guess is it’s probably not good. 

“Are you wearing my shirt?”

Oh, right. 

“Dave’s spending the night, so I told him he could wear it since he didn’t have any pajamas.” You interrupt before Dave can speak. Technically that’s not what happened, but it’s close enough to true that you don’t think Dave should have a problem following the small omission you made in his favor.

You doubt he’d want Karkat to know that he asked you if he could borrow one solely because it was Karkat’s. 

Karkat raises an eyebrow. “Why didn’t he just borrow one of yours, then?”

He’s got you there. You don’t really have a reply to that. Truth is, you did offer your own, but Dave said no. But it’s not like you can say that because it’s weird for Dave to say no to your shirt and yes to Karkat’s for no reason. 

“It wasn’t big enough.” Dave cuts in through your lack of response. You both turn your attention back to him. “I wanted to be comfy which means I had to take off my binder, so I needed a huge ass shirt. And I don’t know if you know this, dude, but you’re big as shit. John’s not small, sure, but he’s like a bear and you’re a fucking brick shithouse. So, obviously, given my options I went with yours.”

He punctuates the end of his explanation with a shrug. Dave says it so casually that you wouldn’t think anything of it if you didn’t see how scarlet his ears are getting.

Dave’s pretty good at controlling his facial expressions, including when he blushes. At least, that’s the explanation he’s given you before. Most of his face stays the same when he’s embarrassed or self conscious, but his ears are a dead give away. Hopefully for Dave, it’s only obvious to you because you’ve known him almost your whole life and Karkat doesn’t notice or if he does he can’t tell what it means.

“You’re not actually gonna make me give this back through one of your patented bitch fits, are you Karkat?” Dave asks, bunching the shirt’s fabric in his hands. “Are you really so cruel that you would take the shirt off my back just to satisfy your own selfish clothes hoarding desires?”

“Karkat, how could you? That’s so douchey!” 

“I never said I was taking the shirt back!” Karkat snaps, throwing his hands up between you both. “You can keep it for tonight, I don’t give a shit because obviously I’m not going to wear it. But if Dave gets to wear my shirt, I get to eat your shrimp fried rice.”

You’re about to tell him that of course he can eat the rice. There was never a point where he couldn’t eat the rice. He’s allowed to eat whatever he wants. 

Instead, you say “sure thing” and hand him the so far unopened container of shrimp fried rice. 

He accepts it gratefully and tears it open in a way you don’t think is very good for the container and is going to make it near impossible to close later. Karkat stares into it, eyes wide and full of hunger. 

He glances over to you. “Chopsticks?”

“Oh, right, yeah.” You don’t have any extra, so you dig out the ones you were using earlier. “I hope you’re okay with using mine.”

Karkat raises an eyebrow at you. “And if I’m not?”

“Then you’ll have to eat with your hands.” You shrug. “So? Do you want them or not?”

“Fine.” He holds out the container. “Hand them over.”

You’re about to stick your chopsticks into it when you decide to do something a little mischievous instead. 

There’s a big stupid grin on your face as you fish out a shrimp and pop it into your mouth. You stick the chopsticks deep into the rice. “Tax for getting to borrow my chopsticks.” 

“I’m too hungry to be disgusted by your stupid human germ mouth.” He starts eating, completely unphased by your shenanigans. 

“Hey Karkat, how’s that rice taste?” Dave asks.

Karkat talks through a mouth full of rice. “Egberty.”

“Sounds fucking delicious, pass me some of that.”

Karkat digs out a piece of carrot with your chopsticks and holds it out for Dave. Dave leans forward and eats it.

“I can’t believe you just gently fed me a hunk of carrot like a mama bird feeds a baby a worm.” Dave sighs as he munches. “That’s some high class romance right there.”

“I don’t think you understand how animals work.” Karkat snorts. “Don’t birds puke in each other’s mouths to feed their young?”

“Are you offering?” 

“Fuck no, never.” He grimaces in disgust. “Just the thought of that is enough to make me throw up in my mouth.”

“You’re halfway there, then.” You add. “Now you just need to give it to Dave.”

“You’re both disgusting, I’d rather choke on it and die than spit vomit into a friend’s mouth.” Karkat swallows emphatically as if he needs to prove this to either of you.

“No!” Dave cries. “My nutrients!” 

“Karkat, how could you!” You shove him lightly. “His nutrients!”

“Neither of you are doing much to change my opinion about humans being the worst species to ever exist, I just want you both to know that.” Karkat mumbles as he goes back to his rice. “What are you watching after this garbage is over?” 

“We haven’t decided yet. Probably something else with Nic Cage in it?” You shrug. “Did you want to pick something?”

“Does it have to have Cage in it?”

“That’s been the ongoing theme for the night, but I guess it doesn’t have to. What’d you want to watch?”

“Can we watch Ponyo?”

“Ponyo?” Dave snorts. “Like that film about the fish girl from the giblet studio?”

“It’s Studio Ghibli you giant douche and yeah, that one. It’s a cute movie and I like it, I’m not going to apologize for that. Is there a problem in my taste in movies that we have to discuss, guy who unironically liked the Emoji Movie?”

Dave holds his hand up in surrender. “You got me there, man. And obviously I didn’t mean anything by it, you’ve seen who I hang out with. Obviously bad taste in movies isn’t a deal breaker with me. Not to say that I think Ponyo’s a bad movie, I saw it with Jade when it came out and I gotta agree that was some cute shit right there plus all those prehistoric fish were baller. Really got the inner archeologist in me jonesin’ for some bonesin’, know what I mean?”

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion. “Ponyo made you want to fuck a fish?”

“What? No, of course not, don’t be gross, John.” Dave shakes his head in disgust. “Obviously Shape of Water’s the only movie that could do that for me. Nah, it made me really wish I could get my hands on some fish fossils. So point is I’m not gonna judge you too harshly on picking out Ponyo as I said it’s a good movie. I wish I had some ham to feed that little fish, she deserves it. I just didn’t peg you as the type that’d be into that, you know? Big loud guy like you, interested in cute children’s movies. I was surprised is all.”

“You’re surprised?” Karkat tilts his head. “This is the exact shit I’ve always been into, Dave. Did you not know that?” 

“No,” Dave replies earnestly, “I legit had no idea this was your brand of shit. Now that I think about it for longer than a second, I don’t think we’ve ever really hung out and watched movies together before. What the fuck’s with that? Shit. John, have you?”

“Seen movies before? Yeah, I have.” Dave shoots you a look. “Yeah, I’ve seen movies with Karkat before. I think one of the first times we hung out together we actually went to see a movie. What was it again?”

“Fuck if I know,” Karkat shrugs, “I let you pick it out. I wasn’t paying attention at all because I was too busy being a dumbass six sweep old and trying to figure out if it was a date or not.”

“It wasn’t.” That would have been a nice date, though. God, you want to kick twelve year old you’s butt for not realizing you were gay sooner. 

“Yeah, I know that now.” He rolls his eyes at you. “But does that help five years ago me from making more of a jackass out of himself than he already was by writing your name all over his notebooks like a lovestruck moron and then getting his pusher torn to shreds in the most embarrassing rejection of his young life? No, I don’t think it does. Thanks, anyway.”

Karkat says it casually, but with a tone of bitterness that makes you think he might still be upset about it. Not that you’d blame him if he was, you didn’t exactly let him down gently.

Did you ever even apologize for that? 

“Hey, Karkat you know I’m uh...sorry. About that.” You clear your throat awkwardly. This sudden apology isn’t going as smoothly as you hoped. “I could’ve handled that better.”

“What?” Karkat furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “John that was five years ago. I mean I appreciate the gesture, but I couldn’t give less of a shit about that.”

“Not to interrupt because this clearly seems to be a private you guys thing but what the fuck are you talking about and tell me every single detail right the fuck now.” Dave says, trying to grab both your and Karkat’s attention by waving his hand at both of you.

Karkat slaps his hand away. “Aren’t you supposed to be watching your movie?”

“Yeah, but you guys are more interesting than Nic Cage will ever be.”

“That’s either the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me or the biggest backhand slap towards my well known interest in Nic Cage.” 

“It can be both things.” He shrugs. “Now please spill your secret beans all over the sheets for me.”

“The week before I switched schools I asked John out and he said no.” Karkat says bluntly. “There’s not much more to say, since that’s all that fucking happened.”

“Holy shit, I didn’t know about that.” Dave leans over Karkat so he can talk to you better. “John, what the fuck?”

“I didn’t tell anyone because I felt bad about it.” You admit. “It wasn’t exactly my finest hour, like I said I could have handled it better.”

“And like I said, I’m over it.” Karkat replies emphatically. “We all did a lot of hoofbeast shit that was embarrassing and sucked when we were kids. But John, since you don’t seem to want to let this topic die and leave it festering in the shallow grave I dug it years ago to let it fucking rest, yes I do accept your apology. I’m still going to be a little sore about the subject until I keel over and exit this shitty mortal coil, but that’s my own issue to deal with and has jack shit to do with you and more about the fact that you were the first person I ever asked out and you said no. So John, you’re off the hook, you can quit feeling shitty about a thing you did at thirteen.”

You actually kind of feel worse now, but you can’t say that without dragging this out further than Karkat clearly wants to. And this really doesn’t feel like the right time to do this, either. Maybe when you’re alone you can apologize and make it up to him better. 

Or fuck, that might make it worse. Maybe you should never bring it up again yourself. You apologized, that’s all you can really do. If Karkat wants to discuss it with you, then he can. You should just leave it alone.

So you don’t say anything. And neither does Karkat.

The tension in the room’s so thick you’d need a butcher’s knife to slice it. The only sounds in the room right now are breathing, Karkat still eating the fried rice, and Nic Cage’s distinct voice. So all in all, not a very quiet room despite none of you talking.

“The biggest mistake to be rectified here is the lack of movies either of us has gone to see with Karkat.” Dave’s voice acts as the metaphorical butcher’s knife to your tension. “I know we’re all together right now and watching flicks, or pretending to watch them while we talk and shoot the shit and rub that shit all up into some old wounds apparently, but it’s not the same as going into a dark theater with an assload of artery clogging popcorn and you both know it. We should plan a hang out and see a movie together sometime.”

“I’m not against that.” You agree without a second thought. “Karkat, you?”

“Only if I get to pick out the movie. I don’t trust either of your tastes.”

“I get why you don’t like John’s, but what the fuck did I do?” Dave demands.

Karkat gestures to the screen. Nic Cage is yelling something about bees. 

“Okay,” Dave nods. “that’s fair. But I get to pick the one next time ,though.”

Karkat lifts an eyebrow. “Next time?”

“Yeah, I thought this could be a thing. What you wanted one and done? No can do, bro this is a three times at least kind of deal. Gotta give everyone a turn to pick out something, that’s what kindergarten taught me.”

You’ve never been more thankful for Dave in your life. If it was just you and Karkat here right now, there’s no way you would have been able to get past that no matter how hard you tried. You probably would have just made it worse, but Dave was able to take you back into casual conversation with ease. Dave and Karkat are back to exchanging hilarious and stupid remarks to each other as if that entire awkward topic wasn’t broached at all. His ability to shift conversations away from something semi-serious and towards something lighter and kind of silly has always been admirable to you.

You love that about Dave. 

“Hey, John, Karkat doesn’t believe I can burp the ABC’s. Tell him I can.”

God you love Dave so fucking much right now.

“It’s true, I heard him do it in first grade.” 

“Having John say it doesn’t prove shit.” Karkat says. “He’d tell you I was the queen of Iceland if I asked him to. John, am I the queen of Iceland?”

“I don’t know what Iceland’s form of government is, but yes you’re the queen of it.”

“There!” Karkat sweeps the hand holding the fried rice container towards you. “So there is still no definitive proof that you can belch the goddamn alphabet, Dave. I’ll believe your bogus claim when I hear it for myself.”

“Fine, if you’re gonna be an asshole about it, I’ll just go get some pop and prove it, then.” Dave crawls off the bed and heads for the door. “Neither of you take my spot while I’m gone or I’ll aim my burp cannon right in your face.”

He leaves, and Karkat turns to you. “Can he really burp the alphabet?”

“He burped all the way to L once I think.” You shrug. “I don’t really remember for sure. I think for you he might be able to get himself all the way to Z.”

“All the way to Z? That’s” he yawns through the rest of his sentence, “true romance right there.”

“You know you don’t have to stay awake and watch him do that if you don’t want to. You can go to sleep, I’m sure he won’t mind too much.” 

“No.” Karkat shakes his head and waves away your suggestion. “I already said I would and besides, I’m still eating.”

He holds up the container of shrimp fried rice. Honestly you’re surprised it’s not empty yet. Is he planning on eating the whole thing? 

“Hey, if you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you want to sleep on the top bunk tonight?” It’s a question that’s been eating at the back of your mind all night. “I know you don’t like it, but you seem pretty tired and it’s completely open so you wouldn’t have to share any space between me and Dave.”

“I know,” he sighs, “but I fucking despise the top bunk because- if you laugh I swear I’ll eat your fucking head, okay?”

You nod.

He takes a deep breath and looks down into his rice. “I’m worried about falling off.”

“Wow, Karkat, seriously?” That’s kind of cute in a really stupid way. Definitely not what you expected from him. 

You can’t help it, you giggle a little.

“I’m sorry to do this, John, but I’m a troll of my word.” Karkat sets his rice down on the floor by the bed. “I hope you’re ready to have your head eaten.”

“No, not my head!” You gasp. “That’s where my brain is!”

“You’ve seen Dave, you’ll survive without one.” Karkat says as he opens his mouth as wide as he can and pretends to lunge at you. 

You’re prepared to push him away from you, but instead of actually doing anything he presses his forehead into your shoulder instead. You have no idea what’s going on, but you try your best to suppress the blush threatening to overtake your face. “I don’t know if you know anything about human anatomy Karkat, but that’s not my head.”

“I decided to be merciful and let you keep your head for now.” He yawns again. “I’m gonna eat your shoulder instead.”

“I don’t think you’re gonna be able to stay awake long enough to eat my shoulder.” You laugh, gently pushing him off you. “I’m not even sure you’ll make it to Ponyo at this rate.”

“Shut up, I’ll make it to Ponyo.” He picks the rice container up off the floor. “I picked out the movie so you better damn believe I’ll keep my eyes open out of pure spite. And after that, I’ll eat all this rice and your shoulder for dessert.”

“Okay,” you laugh, “if you say so.” 

 

True to his word, Karkat makes it to Ponyo. Five minutes in, he’s fast asleep on your shoulder. You ask Dave to turn down the volume of the movie in case it gets loud at some point and accidentally wakes Karkat up. Then you carefully pry the container of shrimp fried rice out of his hands and place it on the floor so it’s out of the way. You leave Ponyo on, and at some point during its run you and Dave both fall asleep, too. 

You can only guess what time it is when you wake up. The room is still pretty dark, but it’s that darker gray that comes with the dawn and not the deep black of the middle of the night. You blink and sit up slowly, trying to wake yourself up fully. Fuck, where are your glasses? 

You look around and notice a big shape huddled next to you, back towards you. It takes you a second to register it as Karkat. 

Wow, you’d almost forgotten he’d slept here. That’s not something you thought you’d get to do any time soon. Or probably ever. 

Looking for your glasses can wait, it’s not like you have anywhere you need to be in a hurry. For now you just want to take a second and bask in the lucky situation you find yourself in, snuggled up in your tiny bunk with one of your crushes keeping you warm. It’s almost too much for you to handle, and you can’t help the stupid blush heating up your face. 

“John?” Dave mumbles as he sits up on one elbow, voice still heavy with sleep. “Whatcha looking at?”

“Nothing.” You answer too quickly. Dave raises an eyebrow at you in suspicion. “I was looking for my glasses.” 

“I snatched those bitches last night,” he leans over the side of the bed, momentarily disappearing from your view before returning with your glasses and his shades, “here. I put them on the floor because they were def not safe where you had them chilling. Did you really think you could just leave these things between you and Karkat as if he wouldn’t crush them under his rock hard boulder of an ass?”

You take your glasses from him and put them on. “You seem pretty certain about Karkat’s ass being a rock. Wishful thinking?”

“More like I have fucking eyes.” Dave says, gesturing to Karkat’s sleeping form between the two of you, namely his ass. “Gaze upon that round granite slab and just try to tell me it’s soft. Poke it and proclaim this ass the same doughy caliber as a Pillsbury cinnamon bun.”

You snort. “I’m not gonna poke Karkat’s ass.” 

“Coward.” Dave reaches a hand over and hovers a finger over Karkat.

“Hey, don’t!” You push Dave’s hand away, trying your hardest not to laugh. “Leave Karkat’s ass alone.”

“Oh, I see. You just want those buns all to yourself.” He smirks. “Gonna try and sink your teeth into those beefy bad boys. Well joke’s on you, that shit’s so hard you’re gonna break all your fucking teeth trying that like you would on a five year old jawbreaker. Have fun getting your mouth wired shut and having to drink everything through a straw, John. Hope you like sucking ass.”

“God, Dave.” You snort. “I know you’re into Karkat but don’t project your fantasies onto me.”

It’s still pretty dark in the room, but you think you can see his ears go bright red. “Hey, how come Karkat got to be in the middle?”

Ah, a change in subject. That’s probably for the best, you don’t know how much longer you could go on about Karkat’s ass without admitting that you do like it. 

You shrug. “He fell asleep first.”

“That’s no excuse.” Dave clicks his tongue, shaking his head. “Karkat being the filling for this sweet dude sandwich doesn’t make sense. He’s just squeezing out the sides of our friendship bread. If anyone should be the filling to keep this sandwich stable it should be me.”

You raise an eyebrow. “What makes you say that?” 

“I’m smaller than both of you and that makes me perfect center size.” He says, stating it as a matter of fact. 

He’s right, Dave is shorter and skinnier than either you or Karkat, but the fact that he’s bringing it up as an argument for him being in the middle of an accidental sleep cuddle is kind of hilarious and a little cute. So of course you’re going to counter him to keep him going.

“Just because you’re sized for it doesn’t mean you get to be in the middle.” You reply, shaking your head. “If we were making a real sandwich Karkat would be the obvious choice for the filling, since he’s a troll and we’re both humans.”

“That’s a stupid reason to be the filling. A fucking baloney excuse right there, John. But fine, if that’s how you’re gonna be, I should be the center beef in this boy burger and here is a legit reason: I’m blond and you’re both not so there. I should be the middle and that’s that.”

“If we’re playing it like that, you and I both wear glasses and Karkat doesn’t, so he’s the odd one in the middle.”

“If we’re going by fucked up teeth, my mouth’s fucking gorgeous so I’d be in the middle.”

“Yeah I know your mouth’s fucking gorgeous, kind of hard to ignore, but that doesn’t mean you get to be in the middle. Besides, Dave, between me and Karkat you’d get squeezed to death so it’s better to just be the bread and get cuddled from one side.” 

“I guess, yeah.” Dave agrees, nodding along. You’re surprised he gave in so easily. “I’ll just play my part and toast my buns on his hot meat for a little while longer then.”

Dave lays back down, facing Karkat with his head close to Karkat’s gently moving chest. 

“So are you gonna join or is this an open faced kind of deal now?”

“Oh, uh…” you’re a little caught off guard by the request, “sure, of course.”

You lay down again and snuggle against Karkat in a way that you hope is coming off as completely platonic. Not that Dave could even see it, anyway, with the way he’s laying. For awhile, everything is quiet. Quiet enough that you could almost fall asleep again with Karkat’s body keeping you warm. 

“Hey,” Dave says softly, breaking the silence as carefully as possible, “no offense John, and this might just be sleep muddled brained Dave talking and not regular nondecaf Dave, but what the fuck’s been up with you lately?”

You feel your blood freeze in your veins. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve been weird, dude. You said it was hard to ignore how gorgeous my mouth is.”

“You’re the one who said it first.”

“Yeah, as a joke.” He says. “But you sounded genuine when you said it. Which I guess by itself isn’t too weird for you because you’re like that, but...you’ve been kinda weirder than usual lately I feel like. Remember when we were in high school and I told you I had that big ass embarrassing crush on you back in the day? The way you’ve been recently sort of reminds me of that.”

Oh.

Oh fuck. 

Dave figured you out. 

And you thought you were being so careful, too! Dave’s generally pretty oblivious about people’s feelings, you thought you’d be okay, but apparently you were as obvious as the shades on his face. 

Your blood may have frozen, and yet your face still burns with nervous heat. 

“Obviously I know that’s not what’s going on.” Dave continues. “Let’s be real that’s wishful thinking on my part. You’re straighter than an architect’s level, which is saying something because you know what that shit’s used for? Comparing the straightness of one thing to itself. And guess what John you’re so straight you broke the damn thing. So-”

“What if I’m not?”

Dave pauses mid metaphor. “What?”

“What if I’m….not...entirely...straight?” Oh god what the fuck are you doing.

For the first time since you’ve known him, Dave is quiet. You can’t see him over Karkat’s back, and you can’t even imagine what his face must look like right now. You bite back a groan and bury your face in your blanket. Why the hell would you do this now? Was this really the best time for that? Really? God, you’re an idiot.

“Okay.” He finally says. “That’s cool, obviously I’m cool with that I support you, we’re bros from the womb to the tomb, best friends five ever, you know how it is. I’ll be honest I always thought you were at least a little gay I mean you can’t have a huge obvious crush on Nic Cage like that and be straight, it simply isn’t done. But can I ask about it or was that all you’re telling? If it is, that’s fine I’m just a nosy bitch and want to know if I can stick my fat nub into this hot topic to sniff out info or if my poor schnoz will go cold here.”

You can’t even laugh at what he’s saying, you’re too stuck on the whole “he thought you were always a little bit not straight” part. How the fuck would he know before you even knew? Was your orientation that obvious to everyone but yourself? 

“I’m not sure what there is to really tell?” You admit. “I’ve just been thinking about it a lot recently, mostly over the last summer after we graduated and it just kind of hit me-”

“Like a pie to the face.”

“-yeah, like that, if that’s the metaphor you want to go with for this.” Really it felt more like a wrecking ball to your chest, but whatever. “And I realized that I never really had any strong romantic or sexual feelings towards girls at all, even in that brief stint where I dated a little that was just because a girl asked me and not because I really wanted to. I just thought that’s what you do so I did and I didn’t like it so I thought maybe I just wasn’t cut out for dating or for love in general and I didn’t think about it too much during high school because of all the classes and club activities and shit. But when I actually sat back and gave it some thought and reflected on myself a little, I realized it wasn’t dating that I was against, it was that I wasn’t doing it with the right people. And this is gonna sound embarrassing as hell because it is, but I misinterpreted a lot of my...crushes...as strong feelings of friendship towards them. Honestly that hit me the worst because how could I have not realized how painfully into boys I am...it’s so clear to me now that I like you and I maybe always have, how could I not have known that sooner?” 

“Wait, you like me?” Dave sits up and looks down at you, from the lack of light in the room you can’t tell if that’s a smirk or a grin on his face. “Fuck if that’s not a vintage Shyamalan plot twist.”

“Is it really, though?” You sit up and join him, feeling a little light headed. You just said a lot of shit you’d never planned on saying, or at least not in this context and definitely not those last few things. “You said yourself you didn’t think I was that straight to begin with.”

“Well yeah, but it’s one thing to think Nic Cage made you gay, it’s a whole different game to assume you’d ever have a crush on me.” Dave replies with a shrug. “But you mean that? You do like me?” 

“Yeah.” You offer a definitive nod. “Yeah, I like you a lot, Dave.”

“Wow.” You can tell now that it’s not a smirk, it’s a big grin on his face, goofier and sweeter than you’ve ever seen before. His ears are as bright as your whole face is right now. “John Egbert likes me. This is some dream come true fuckery right there. I wonder if I actually woke up?”

Dave pinches his own arm, and when nothing happens with his right, switches over to his left.

“Quit it.” You snort, pushing his hand away from his arm. “God, you’re such a dork.”

“Says the king of dorks, Mr. Look At My Cool Slimer Slippers I Bought On Ebay For Fifty Bucks.”

“First of all, fuck you they were limited edition. Second, it takes a dork to know a dork, dork.”

“Only dorks buy limited edition Ghostbusters merch so thank you once again for proving my point, your majesty.” He counters. 

“Fine, but if I’m the king then I’m going to appoint you as something, too.”

“Is it royal concubine? Please say concubine.”

“Dave Strider,” you put your hand on both his shoulders and then on his head like you’ve seen king’s appoint people in the movies, “I dub thee my royal court jester.”

“Fuck. Guess I walked right into that one.” Dave opens his mouth to say something else, probably to continue this ridiculous conversation you’re having, but before he can talk again Karkat snores loudly and startles the both of you. “Hey so what does that make Karkat in all this?”

Fuck, you guess you should have expected him to ask that, but still it’s a question you’re not sure you can answer well. “Actually I...I do need to talk to you about that.”

You take a deep breath. “So like I said I only recently realized I’m...gay and when I figured it out it’s not just you I discovered I had a crush on. In middle school I liked Karkat a lot, more than just as a friend, but I was too emotionally blind to realize that at the time. Obviously I never expected anything to come from it, but then all this happened and...Dave, I still like Karkat. A lot. Like a lot a lot. As much as I like you, I’d say. But the biggest thing about that is, and I know this is going to sound completely selfish of me and I’m sorry, but...I like you both and I...uh...I’d like to date both of you? If that’s something you’re okay with?”

You feel like you’re hyperventilating in an oxygen deprived room. Your heart is pounding so hard in your chest each thump physically hurts. You can’t bring yourself to look at Dave’s eyes even though they’re hidden by his shades, so you focus on his nose instead. 

“Wait,” Dave finally says, “so just to be clear, you like both me and Karkat?”

You nod. Fuck, you thought telling him you liked him was scary, but this is downright terrifying. 

Dave thinks about it for a moment before he nods. “I don’t think that’s selfish at all. You know I have a crush on Karkat, too, and honestly? Dating both of you would be fucking amazing. I’m all for it. Too bad Karkat’s not awake yet so we can’t ask his opinion on this.”

“Yeah.” You can’t believe how relieved you are, it’s like a weight’s been lifted right off your chest and you’re free as a feather on the breeze and you can finally breathe again. It’s wonderful. The biggest relief you could possibly fathom.

“And just so you know, when I asked that I meant what was Karkat’s role in your dork kingdom.”

“Oh.” Your face flushes with embarrassment. 

“It’s an honest mistake, and hey, now I know.” He shrugs. “And I’m real fucking glad about that.”

“Well then I’m...glad you’re glad?” God that was embarrassing as hell. But you are glad you told Dave. You’d feel terrible if you kept this crush a secret from Dave after everything else you just admitted to him.

“Hey, John,” Dave waves his hand, “come over here for a sec.”

“Sure?” You lean as close as you can to Dave without disturbing Karkat. “What’s up?”

Dave leans even closer to you so your faces are practically touching. “Just so you know sleep groggy Dave is way more impulsive than normal Dave so I’m sorry in advance if this is too forward and you can totally push me off your bed if you want.” 

Before you can ask what he means or comment on his awful morning breath, he closes what little distance there is and his lips meet yours.

There’s a slight sensation that’s gone as soon as it came, leaving the air in front of you empty and your lip tingling. It’s just a quick peck, but it leaves you speechless. You’ve never been kissed before and the experience is even sweeter than you’d imagined. You can’t stop the stupid grin overtaking your expression and are well aware of how bright red your face must be right now.

You have no idea what to say in response to this, but you know Dave must be waiting for you to say something. 

“Wow.” You say, like a huge breathless idiot. “So, are we...are we dating now?”

“John we just kissed,” Dave laughs, “I think we’re married now in most countries.”

You can’t help yourself, you giggle. It’s a hysterical sound that bubbles out of the pit of your stomach at a volume you can’t seem to control. 

Between you, Karkat makes another noise. You cover your mouth to silence your laughter, but you think it may be too late. 

You and Dave both look down at Karkat as he mumbles something unintelligible and stretches as best he can in the confined space. Karkat’s hand brushes Dave’s leg. 

He cracks open an eye and frowns up at you. “What the fuck are you guys looking at?”

“Oh, you know.” Dave shrugs. “Just taking in the view. Look at this lovely puddle of drool here and the way your dandruff complements your gnarled rat’s mess so perfectly. It’s beautiful, have you considered modeling?”

“Have you considered me biting your ass?” Karkat grumbles as he attempts to sit up. You and Dave both have to scoot over a little to give him enough room. “Fuck, I’m so tired.”

“You could go back to sleep?” You suggest. “Dave and I can leave and you can have the room to yourself if you want?”

Dave shoots you a smirk over Karkat’s shoulder as Karkat shakes his head. “No. I can’t go back to sleep after I’ve woken up for the day for some fucked up reason. Thanks for the offer though. I just need some coffee.” He yawns. “A lot of coffee. John, I know you don’t drink coffee or caffeine in general because you can somehow just function perfectly fine without it, but I’ll get you a hot chocolate or something if you want to come. Consider it payback for letting me eat so much of your shit last night.”

“Hey, what about me?” Dave asks. “I was here, too. I offered you a whole noodle, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember.” Karkat rolls his eyes. “You can have the first sip of my coffee.”

“Sick! I’m looking forward to the tongue burn.” Dave grins as he rolls off the bed. “Let’s hit it, then.” 

 

There’s a shop not too far from your dorms that Karkat frequents but you’ve only visited on occasion. It’s so close it’s practically on campus, close enough to walk to but far enough that Karkat complains the whole way about how it’s too early and how shitty the weather is. 

He’s got a point, though. It is pretty cold out, even for you. You can feel the threat of snow on the morning’s chilling breeze. In front of you, Karkat hunches over in his coat and you can see him cover his face with the scarf he insisted on wearing. At the time you thought it was dumb because there’s barely any snow on the ground, it’s not cold enough to warrant so much winter gear yet. Now that you’re just in a sweatshirt, you regret that decision. You could have at least worn gloves.

Dave shivers beside you and inches closer, linking his arm through yours. You immediately tense at the contact.

“What are you doing?” You whisper. “What if Karkat turns around and sees?”

“Sees what?” Dave replies. “Us huddling for warmth in the cold? Being best bros with snuggle benefits? I doubt he’d give a shit and besides, I’m going to take every opportunity I can to leech warmth out of my new boyfriend.”

Your cheeks heat up for what feels like the millionth time since you woke up this morning. 

“Fuck, looks like I missed some.” Dave raises himself on his toes and presses his face into your cheek.

“Okay,” you laugh, “you have no excuse now, there’s no explanation of this that’s not us being a thing now.”

“Relax, we’re fine.” He goes back down on his feet and squeezes your arm. “There, we’re back to totally platonic best friend cuddling. Is that what you want, John? For us to be completely platonic?”

“Not forever,” you clarify, “but for right now I think this is more than enough.”

This whole situation feels so surreal. You told Dave less than an hour ago that you like him and now he’s clinging to your arm and offering you so much more affection than you’d even imagined. You feel like you’re walking on air instead of carefully treading over an icy sidewalk. You can’t believe how lucky you are right now.

“We’re here.” Karkat announces. He holds open the door to the shop. “Get your frozen asses inside.”

“Wow, what a gentleman.” Dave says, swooning against you. “I can tell you what other door he’s opening at this rate, if you know what I mean.”

Karkat grimaces. “I honestly have no fucking idea what you could possibly be blathering about and I don’t think I want to know. Just get in, I’m letting all the cold in and people are starting to look pissed.”

You drag Dave inside with you. As soon as you’re in the door, you have to actually squeeze yourself in between so many other people. Even more of an excuse for Dave to stay close. Karkat follows behind after you’re both in, pressing himself against both of you and leaning down so he can talk.

“This place is packed like an ass that’s been constipated for a month and we’re the turds crammed inside just waiting to spill.” Karkat complains. You’ve never been happier for his loud voice, you can hear him clearly despite the morning noise. “Can you guys see the menu okay?”

“No.” Dave huffs. “I can’t see shit because unlike you two my mother didn’t fuck a giant to conceive me. Karkat, can you lift me so I can look at it?”

Karkat shoots a glare at Dave before turning to you. “John, you know Dave pretty well, why don’t you read the menu and give him his options out of the ones you think he’d like.”

You nod. “That sounds doable.”

There’s a lot of stuff you think Dave would like, from what you know about his coffee habits he prefers it heavily sweetened and flavored with anything that masks the bitter taste. There are one or two things that stick out to you as what you think he might prefer, though.

“There’s a cider drink on here that doesn’t have any caffeine, but I think you might wanna get that because it’s called Hot Apple Blast.”

Dave face lights up. “Hot Apple Blast? God, if I wasn’t dying for a boost of sweet bean juice right now all I’d want is a blast of that hot apple straight into my gob. But alas, I crave the brown stuff.” He sighs and pats your arm. “Maybe next time, though. What else is there?”

“There’s a lot of caramel options.” Way too many for your liking. You really don’t want to read them all.

“Ooh yeah, sticky, sweet, occasionally salty shit is my jam, get me one of those bitches. Stickier the better.”

“This is a fucking beverage it’s only gonna be sticky if you spill it everywhere.” Karkat says. “And I hope you’d at least have enough sense to aim a straw at your own slack jawed mouth, Dave.”

“I won’t spill it, scout’s honor.” He puts his hand over his heart. “I would just like the option of getting shit sticky if the mood strikes me.”

“You’re still wearing my sweater, so the mood better not.” Karkat threatens. “Anyway, based on all that bullshit you just spat I know what to order you. What about you, John?”

“Wait, what?” You furrow your eyebrows in confusion. “Can’t I just order it myself.”

“No. As you can see, there’s a crowd in here and we’re currently packed like sardines slowly rotting in our own malodorous filthy tin. I think I can get myself to the front to order pretty easily, but you and Dave will just slow me down if you try to follow me. So just tell me what you want and I’ll order it and you can swim your fish asses my way after to get your drinks.” Karkat explains. “So? What do you want, John?”

“Okay.” You sigh, telling him now is going to be a lot less fun than watching his face change when you tell the barista your order. But you can’t always get what you want, you guess. “I want the cereal milk.”

Karkat looks down at you and blinks, his face completely expressionless. “You want the what?”

“Cereal milk.” You repeat. “Tell them with whipped cream or extra whipped cream if it comes with it already, please.”

“Order something else.”

“But you said I could get whatever I want!” You argue, it’s closer to a whine than you want to admit.

“Yeah, but….I...ugh,” he groans and hangs his head, “fine. Cereal milk. Got it.”

Karkat turns around and starts pushing his way through the crowd. He wasn’t kidding, he’s really fast. 

“Thank you!” He’s already halfway there by the time you yell it to him. 

“Hey, John, what the fuck is cereal milk?” Dave asks.

“I don’t know.” You shrug. “I just saw it on the menu and I thought I should try it.”

“You’re not worried it’s just gonna be the leftover milk from the barista’s breakfasts tossed into a cup?”

“Not until you said that, no.” Wow, Karkat’s already at the front and waving you over, how did he do that? “Guess we get to find out now. Come on.”

You take Dave’s hand and squeeze through the crowd. Karkat’s waiting patiently for you at the pick up counter, shouting encouragements to you like “anytime you want to get here, assholes” and “how the fuck are you slower than a slug wading through a turtle’s shit?”. By the time you get over there two of the three drinks are already finished and waiting for you. 

“About time you showed up.” Karkat picks both steaming cups off the counter and hands one to Dave. “Here, a cup of hot caramel with some coffee splashed on top. John, yours isn’t done yet because it’s cold as fuck and not caffeinated, both of which are concepts it took a minute for the baristas to wrap their heads around someone actually wanting on this freezing early morning. They accused me of cruel and unusual punishment, that’s how fucking horrible your decision was.”

You shrug. “Sorry for having such a taste for adventure.”

“If that’s how you want to justify your shitty drink choices.” Karkat rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his drink. Another cup is placed beside him on the counter. “Here, accept your fate and drink this sad soggy excuse for a breakfast drink.”

“Thank you.” You accept it gratefully. “Is the plan to drink these here or leave?”

“Drink these? In this overcrowded shithole where the flavors of our drinks will be shrouded under the thick stench of human body odors? No, I ordered these to go, John. Come on, follow me. And be careful with that, Dave, that shit’s hot.”

Karkat turns away from the counter and starts making his way through the people. You’re holding both Dave’s hand and your drink as you follow close behind him, careful not to drop either. Karkat manages to cut a clear path towards the door without an issue, and it only takes you seconds to reach it.

Karkat is out first and holds the door open for you and Dave. Once you’re out of the cafe, Dave drops your hand and returns his arm to yours.

“This is more comfy.” He explains.

You don’t have a preference towards his hand or his arm, you’re over the moon either way, but if Dave likes having his arm linked in yours more than interlocking fingers…

You know which one you’re doing from now on.

“Hey,” Karkat clears his throat awkwardly to get your attention, “can I ask something?”

“Sure,” you nod. You think you know exactly what he’s going to say, “go ahead.”

“I’m not sure if it’s because it’s so cold out and you two are both idiots who’ve never heard of a jacket before or if there’s some other reason for this, but you guys have been sticking closer than usual to each other. Did I miss something? Are you guys…” He trails off and takes a long drink of his coffee. 

“Are you guys what?” You ask, urging him to continue.

He’s looking at his shoes, his face tinged red. “Are you guys dating?”

You open your mouth, but before you can say anything, Dave quickly interrupts with a “hell yeah, man.”

Karkat’s eyes widen with shock. “Oh. Seriously?”

Dave nods and tightens his grip on your arm, smiling. “Seriously.”

“Wow.” He takes another sip of his drink and doing his best not to look at either of you. “Wait, fuck was yesterday a date? Did I interrupt you guys last night? You know if you needed the room you could have just told me I would have fucked off somewhere else to sleep for the night. God, I’m such an asshole how did I not know that was a date? Do you need any space now? Should I leave? If you want the room now I could go to the library or something-”

“Whoa dude, calm down.” Dave waves his coffee in Karkat’s general direction. “You didn’t ruin a date or anything, we just decided about an hour ago and consummated our relationship atop your sleeping form this morning.”

Karkat ignores that and turns to you instead. “So you like men now, John? That’s nice, I’m happy for you both.” 

“Thanks.” You can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or genuine from the way he says it. His voice more strained than usual.

He smiles at you. “I do mean it. I hope you guys are really happy together.”

“Thanks man,” Dave nods, “but we were actually hoping that we could be happy threegether.”

He raises an eyebrow and tilts his head in confusion. You clear your throat, guess it’s your turn to do the talking. “Dave and I were talking earlier and we realized we like each other and we...well we both like you, too. As much as we like each other. What about you, Karkat? Do you...do you like either of us?”

Karkat’s face goes red again and casts his gaze down to his feet. “You really have to ask? Of course I do. Why?”

You’re having a really hard time looking at him right now, but you can feel his eyes on you as you try to figure out how to phrase this. “We were wondering, since we both like you and you...like both of us...um...trolls are poly, right? As a species?”

Karkat nods, waiting for you to continue.

“We were wondering if you’d like to maybe date both of us? Me and Dave? It’s okay if dating two humans is a little too out of your comfort zone, I’d get it if you’d rather not want to. Obviously you can take your time to think about-”

“Yes.”

His response is so sudden you’re almost not sure if you heard him correctly or if you just imagined what you heard. “Sorry, could you repeat that?”

“Yes.” Karkat repeats more emphatically. “John, holy shit do you know how many times I’ve fantasized this exact scenario except Will Smith was here and the coffee was better? Yes, of course that’s okay with me that’s a literal dream come fucking true, I’d love to.”

“That’s awesome!” Dave grins, holding out his free arm. “Get over here and let’s turn this into a broagie.”

Karkat takes his arm. “Broagie?”

“Bro hoagie. Now come on, be a good cliche boyfriend and walk me to my dorm.”

The three of you start walking back towards the dorms, trying your best to keep in step with each other. You glance over at Dave and Karkat, Dave’s grinning from ear to ear and Karkat’s face is a brighter shade of red than you’ve ever seen it. 

“Hey, why the fuck does Dave get to be in the middle?” Karkat asks. 

“Because you got to sleep in the middle this morning.” Dave explains. You try your best not to laugh. 

“What the fuck, Dave? That doesn’t count for shit and you know it.” 

“Yeah well, yes it does because you did get to get your cuddle on with both of us so of course that counts for something.” He argues. 

“We weren’t dating then and I was asleep so it doesn’t count!” Karkat huffs. “If we’re going to be together then obviously we’re going to have to share the middle spot, you can’t hog it all to yourself just because you’re smaller and cuddle sized.”

“Oh really? So what do you want to do, start a snuggle rotation?” 

Karkat shrugs. “I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

You take a sip of your drink. 

“Fine, we’ll start a rotation. But you’re going last.”

“What the fuck, why am I last?” 

“Because,” Dave squeezes your arm and grins at you, “John deserves to be in the middle.”

Your face burns with the attention and you look back down at your feet. “Thanks.”

“You know what, you’re right. You’re so fucking right.” Karkat lets go of Dave’s arm and moves to your free side instead. He takes your arm in his and kisses your forehead. “He really does deserve this.”

You’re so surprised you almost stop walking altogether.

“This doesn’t mean you’re gonna get middle any sooner, Karkat.” 

“John can have double time, I don’t give a shit. Hey, how’s that shitty drink of yours, anyway?”

“Sweet.” You lean your head against his shoulder. On the other side of you, Dave squeezes you tighter. “Everything’s really sweet.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!!! I hope you enjoyed it <3


End file.
